Done waiting. Moving in a forward direction until unable to do so any longer. Then I will turn another direction to move forward again, etc.

The stories of elementary aged kids committing suicide because of bullies is scaring me so much.  My 8 year old son has clearly been depressed for months.  I couldn’t figure out why and he wasn’t telling me. His teacher finally called me at work a few weeks ago to me that he had been crying in class for an entire WEEK. 

She let me speak to him that morning where I took the time to calm him down, I asked if he needed me to come get him immediately or if he could wait a few hours for me to get him an appointment with his doctor.  He said that he would wait if I could get the appointment.  (Back-story: I had been making NO progress in finding out why he was so depressed over the last few weeks. So, the previous day I had sat him down and asked if he would like to go to a counselor. He didn’t know what a counselor was so I explained it as a person who wasn’t involved in your life who could listen to everything you wanted to say, including stuff maybe you didn’t feel like you could say to your mom or dad, and maybe help you to deal with those things. He said that he definitely wanted to go to see someone like that.) I hung up with him, called his PCP and got the next earliest appointment that day.

I had JUST started my new job TWO days earlier after being unemployed for almost TWO months WITH NO INCOME because of the crappy situation at my previous job that had left me unable to collect unemployment. I had to ask to leave early on my 3rd day of employment.  But, when it comes to my kids? They will always come first.

I decided that when I picked my son up for his appointment that I would grab my daughter as well because she has been having behavioral issues; although not depression per se. I took the kids to their PCP and when she asked my son what was making him so sad he hung his head and in his very quiet “I don’t want to get in trouble for what I’m saying” voice he answered her. What he said next made me so mad and sad at the same time that I couldn’t move.  He told her “There are 4 bullies every day at school and they make my life so hard that I get really sad.”

There’s more but that’s enough to get the general picture.  I called his teacher immediately as one of them is IN his class and I asked her what her opinion of the situation was because she is a veteran teacher and I trust her opinion. She mentioned that my son was often responding with tears to what the other little boy was saying but since she could only hear my son, as the other child made sure to keep his volume low and to be honest my son has zero volume control, she wasn’t really sure what the situation was but that if it was a bullying situation? She was going to make sure that it stopped immediately as she personally has a zero tolerance policy, even if the school didn’t.

Can you imagine my surprise the next day when I asked my son about that child and he said that he had not bothered him all day?? The teacher made sure that it has not happened since. She also referred me to the social worker for the school system. I left him a message the day after I learned of all of this and still have not heard back.

The others are proving harder to track down as my son is notoriously bad with names; an excellent example is that he did not learn his paternal grandfather’s name for almost 4 years despite seeing him almost weekly or bi-weekly for all of his life.

AND, despite reassurances that the referral clerk at his PCP’s office would set him and his sister up for counseling? I have been hitting a brick wall and they still have no appointments or even an explanation as to why they have no appointments. I leave messages and get no response.

I will not let this kill my son. I would rather give my life than to have to go through what those other parents are going through now. WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY 10 YEAR OLD CHILDREN.  EVER.  But ESPECIALLY not from SUICIDE!!

We should all be ashamed of ourselves for allowing our children to be mean enough to each other that some of them want to die. At ANY age.

Until I figure out how to delete this tumblr account it will stay here.

But there is no reason for me to continue with the project.  By the time my love comes home I will no longer be here.  My heart is broken but there are some personal values that I hold dear and cannot let loose of, even for love.

Good day.